LIVING IN LOCKDOWN LIMBO

We have now been in lockdown in the UK for almost three months and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions. The first few weeks were exciting and bursting with creative energy. For many people on furlough it seemed like the holidays had come early (OK, maybe not those with kids at home) – like the Xmas break but with nice weather. Since we couldn’t socialise, except online, we started looking for other methods of entertainment. Now was the time to write that book, make that business plan or learn to make sourdough bread (if you could find the flour). I started baking, using birthdays as an excuse to bake cakes (see my post on A Tale of Ten Cakes) and cycle round London with them on ‘essential courier deliveries’, thus getting my daily exercise and enjoying car-free roads and the zombie-apocalypse-like empty streets in Central London.

Inevitably, however, the excitement of the new morphed into something scarier. We realised that people – lots of people – were dying and woke up to the fact of who was really important to keep our services going and our ways of life at some level of normality. My appetite for baking cakes etc. waned with my sense that the multi-faceted purpose of it – marking anniversaries and showing that I was thinking about the people I care about, cheering people up with an unexpected smiling face and a cookie, having a goal for my cycle rides – was no longer as relevant. Now we could all get out, people were finding their own ways to connect with each other again, and celebrate and bolster each other emotionally.

And now it’s three months later and we are right in the middle of what I would argue is the most difficult part of this pandemic, where we know that our lives are being changed forever, but we still can’t see what the end result will look like. It’s a situation that flips on its head that fear of change that we are often scared of. Suddenly change is actually the safer option, as staying in the status quo is going to kill lots of us. Furthermore, many of us have been aware for some time that we need to make a lot of radical changes in the way we live our lives, in terms of environment, consumption, social justice and a whole other raft of things that we have been putting off for far too long, and Covid-19 has shown us that those things we thought permanent can actually change extremely quickly if we will it – we just have to want it enough. So, we are trying to find things to channel our energy into in the hope that they will lead to the positive changes that we want, but we don’t yet really know what changes will stick and what changes will get lost.

That’s the big picture as I see it. There’s also the personal angle. Without a structure of work and social life, I find myself in Lockdown Limbo - lacking motivation and energy and focus to do much beyond observing and responding to these extraordinary times. It’s difficult because I am used to being energetic, proactive and ambitious, and suddenly the avenues that I have used to channel these impulses (like travel or socialising) have disappeared. So I know that I need to find ways to energise myself and feel as though I am progressing something, while also giving myself permission to revert back to crap literature or binge-watching Buffy, because those are emotional safety blankets and familiar anchors that I need when the whole world is shifting around me. So, what are the things I am learning in Lockdown Limbo?

1. If it’s not about the money (and it’s not), what is it about?

After years of money (and the things it can provide me with) defining my life, suddenly we are in lockdown and I have little to spend my money on apart from the necessities. So, what’s my purpose now? Firstly, for me it’s about love, and I (mostly) don’t mean the hearts and flowers stuff. This is about lots of different forms of love. It is loving myself, by exercising my body, eating well and being gentle with my emotions, and surrounding myself with people who are givers rather than takers. It is loving others, by showing them thoughtfulness and kindness and holding out a helping hand when they need it. It is loving my environment, whether it be creating a beautiful haven in the place where I live, or lobbying to protect the natural spaces I care about. It is loving my community by engaging in local helping networks, saying hello to people on the street, or shopping for my neighbour.

It’s also about hope: we have to be able to envisage a new scenario for moving forward if we wish to create it. That means figuring out what we want the world to look like after this and working out the ways that we can make that happen. For me, this doesn’t need to be ground-breaking or earth-shattering. The little stuff counts. Using my time to find and buy my food from a local source is a good example. Or cycling instead of driving. Or fixing stuff rather than just buying a new thing. Or educating myself about alternatives to the things in my society that I am uncomfortable with.

2. We are not OK.

Human beings are social creatures and not being with other human beings is damaging. For me, seeing friends and not being able to even hug them is a physical ache (lack of touch is actually a scientific thing).  The first time I hugged a friend during lockdown (it’s allowed – we are in a house bubble), the emotion was so strong I almost burst into tears. Among my friends and acquaintances I hear more and more people admit to being depressed and strung out, and at times during this pandemic I feel the same. What I am learning to do about this is to acknowledge that I am depressed or in a bad mood, let those around me know that I’m not good company right now, and be gentle with myself about it. Usually I find that going out and doing exercise really helps. Sometimes I just need to curl up and binge-watch TV with a pint of ice cream. Sometimes I raid the liquor cabinet. It depends. But the start is being open about not being OK.

3. Exiting lockdown is going to be as rocky as entering it, and not nearly thrilling.

We are now entering a period where lockdown is slowly easing but where we still can’t see the ‘enemy’ – and it is not going to magically disappear with some vaccine. Not only that, we have three months of pent-up frustration, uncertainty and fear to vent somehow. As we come out of lockdown it won’t be pretty. Tempers will flare and people will act out, as individuals and in groups. We have spent the last three months questioning the validity and importance of a lot of the stuff we previously took for granted, and the emotional energy that has been pent up while in lockdown has to go somewhere.

This energy is hugely powerful but whether we use it for positive or negative change is up to us. My thinking here is that we need to recognise it’s there and take personal responsibility for what we do with it. If, for example, I can use my time to re-examine what is not acceptable to me and persuade lawmakers to make concrete changes against racism and discrimination, or against selling off the NHS, or allowing chlorinated chicken to be sold, then I have helped create a positive outcome. If lockdown means that I acknowledge the importance of cleaner air, and take concrete steps to reduce car traffic by cycling, then I have created a positive outcome. If I spend my time watching fanatical global leaders spouting diatribe on social media, then I am not progressing or creating anything positive, and I contribute towards a negative outcome for the post-lockdown ‘new normal’.

So what are my takeaways from Lockdown Limbo? It’s OK to be depressed, flat, uninspired and unambitious right now, and having a support network of people around is invaluable – after all we are going through an unprecedented shift in the way we live our lives. But that doesn’t mean I can’t keep trying to progress myself in small ways. Being able to go to bed at night knowing that I have written an article, or found an unexplored part of London on a cycle ride or called a friend I know is struggling (or, yes, baked a cake), gives me the sense that I am creating positive outcomes. I admit to being nervous about expanding my horizons again outside of my Lockdown Limbo bubble, but I wonder if the nerves really come from matching what I am learning in Lockdown to the new normal I want to create. Creating a better new normal than the old one is going to rely on all of us deciding to make positive changes, and I am equally excited and scared to get cracking on it once Lockdown Limbo ends.